If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco. They have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.

I went out and bought a toilet brush and couldn’t wait to get home and try it… Ouchie!! I think I’ll stick to just using the paper from now on.

Studies prove that what you eat can effect your sex life… so its a good idea to have minute rice on the DO NOT EAT list… always opt for “long grain”or “wild rice”.

My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I’m just glad to be involved…

I’ll never mix Viagra with iron supplements again. 20 minutes after taking them, they spun me around and made me point north.

Marriage: Endless sleepovers with your favourite weirdo.

Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.

I had a date today, and it was nice.  Tomorrow I’m going to try a raisin.

How long did it take Cinderella and the Prince to realize you can’t base a relationship on shoe size…

Sherry still isn’t talking to me. Apparently, me trying to save a few bucks and buying her a bouquet of cilantro for Valentines wasn’t the best idea. On the other hand, I made a kick-ass potato salad for lunch today.

Instead of saying ‘calm down’ try using ‘you’re being irrational.’ Wives love being told they’re being irrational.
Follow me for other great marriage-saving recommendations.

I used to love the Olympics until my wife Sherry started commentating and holding up score cards after sex.

This year for Valentine’s Day, I got Sherry a cute stuffed animal. She didn’t like it, but the taxidermist thought it was a nice gesture…

Happy Single’s Discrimination Day. I’m sure you’ll be taking matters in your own hands. Don’t forget to clean up.

I was out and about running errands this morning and at a red light, the lady next to me caught me digging for a booger. She started laughing so I rolled down the window and flicked it at her. Life is like that sometimes. Flicked it right at her. Ha!

I paid it forward today.  I told the drive-thru worker that the car behind me was paying.

I might not be good at push ups or pull ups, but fuck ups?  Let me tell ya!

If I could only use just one word to describe myself, it would probably be: “not good at following directions”.

Don’t wait until you are on your deathbed to tell someone how you really feel.  You could be too weak to raise your middle finger.